I’m A Homophobe And Yes, I’m Gay Too

tola

New member
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Nina grew up feeling

that being gay is disgusting, forbidden and

just downright wrong. But to her horror

she found herself attracted to the same

sex. Her sexual attraction to other women

made her loathe, despise and punish

herself. Find out about her struggle to

make peace with herself

“Thanks to my family, I

grew up having a

condescending attitude

towards anything that didn’t seem

“normal.â€￾ And being gay would probably be

on top of the list. I was 15 when my aunt

had come over to stay with us for a

wedding. She was changing when I

accidently walked into her room. Looking at

her half Unclad, beautifully symmetrical

body I let out a gasp of admiration. I

quickly checked myself, mumbled an

apology and ran out.

“I should have

been

embarrassed or

at least sorry for

invading her

privacy but I

smiled fondly, remembering the curves

of her body. I had this urge to kiss her,

touch her, but then this overwhelming

feeling of shame and disgust came over me

almost immediately. How could I feel this

way? Maybe I was mentally sick or was

being influenced by my liberal-minded

friends.â€￾

Punishing myself

“After two years I started dating a boy,

Patrick, who all my friends found attractive

and he was really nice. I mean I liked him

but the kissing, handling and

eventually sex did nothing for me. We went

on for two years. I had become so good at

pretending to enjoy myself during sex with

him that I had convinced myself I was

straight. I would look down on

homosexuals and always had a joke ready

to demean them.

“Then I went for a trip to Mombassa with

some girlfriends. I met Cynthia, a stunner,

at a party and we hit it off. She invited me

back to her room and after a lot of drinking

we started kissing and soon we were Unclad

and she was making me feel sensations I

never knew existed. So that’s what good sex

felt like!

“When I got up in the morning I hated

every bone in my body and I ran out of her

hotel room and never met her again. When

I came back home I broke it off with Patrick and I was so sick with myself that I took a razor and cut my inner thigh. The prick, the rush of blood made me feel clean again.

Every time I had a thought about another

woman or the urge to act upon my

“twistedâ€￾ feelings, I’d cut myself with a

blade. It was my punishment for these

seemingly “unholyâ€￾ feelings.â€￾

Alive, happy and gay

 

“Over the next two years my thighs had so

many cuts, you couldn’t see what my actual

skin colour anymore! One night after an

encounter with a truly awesome woman, I

came home to punish myself and cut too

deep and almost instantly the bathroom

floor was covered in my blood. I managed

to get the door opened and shouted for my

mom.

“I was taken to a hospital where I regained

consciousness after hours. The police were

there questioning my parents and after I

told them that it was my fault they left. I

came clean to my parents and as mortified

as they were, they decided to have a

daughter who is alive, happy and gay.

“I joined therapy with my parents and

learnt that being gay was not my fault or

wasn’t some disease. In time they’ve

started to accept me and I’m learning to

like and hopefully love myself for what I

am. I still have so much to go and I haven’t

come out publicly either. But I’m optimistic

that I’ll find that special someone to love,

cherish and share my life with – guilt and

damage free!â€￾

 

The names and places in this story may

have been changed for privacy reasons.

This article first appeared in Kenya’s Love

Matters. It has been republished here with

their permission.

Nina grew up feeling that being ga...en republished here with their permission. Nina grew up feeling

that being gay is disgusting, forbidden and

just downright wrong. But to her horror

she found herself attracted to the same

sex. Her sexual attraction to other women

made her loathe, despise and punish

herself. Find out about her struggle to

make peace with herself

“Thanks to my family, I

grew up having a

condescending attitude

towards anything that didn’t seem

“normal.â€￾ And being gay would probably be

on top of the list. I was 15 when my aunt

had come over to stay with us for a

wedding. She was changing when I

accidently walked into her room. Looking at

her half Unclad, beautifully symmetrical

body I let out a gasp of admiration. I

quickly checked myself, mumbled an

apology and ran out.

“I should have

been

embarrassed or

at least sorry for

invading her

privacy but I

smiled fondly, remembering the curves

of her body. I had this urge to kiss her,

touch her, but then this overwhelming

feeling of shame and disgust came over me

almost immediately. How could I feel this

way? Maybe I was mentally sick or was

being influenced by my liberal-minded

friends.â€￾

Punishing myself

“After two years I started dating a boy,

Patrick, who all my friends found attractive

and he was really nice. I mean I liked him

but the kissing, handling and

eventually sex did nothing for me. We went

on for two years. I had become so good at

pretending to enjoy myself during sex with

him that I had convinced myself I was

straight. I would look down on

homosexuals and always had a joke ready

to demean them.

“Then I went for a trip to Mombassa with

some girlfriends. I met Cynthia, a stunner,

at a party and we hit it off. She invited me

back to her room and after a lot of drinking

we started kissing and soon we were Unclad

and she was making me feel sensations I

never knew existed. So that’s what good sex

felt like!

“When I got up in the morning I hated

every bone in my body and I ran out of her

hotel room and never met her again. When

I came back home I broke it off with Patrick and I was so sick with myself that I took a razor and cut my inner thigh. The prick, the rush of blood made me feel clean again.

Every time I had a thought about another

woman or the urge to act upon my

“twistedâ€￾ feelings, I’d cut myself with a

blade. It was my punishment for these

seemingly “unholyâ€￾ feelings.â€￾

Alive, happy and gay

 

“Over the next two years my thighs had so

many cuts, you couldn’t see what my actual

skin colour anymore! One night after an

encounter with a truly awesome woman, I

came home to punish myself and cut too

deep and almost instantly the bathroom

floor was covered in my blood. I managed

to get the door opened and shouted for my

mom.

“I was taken to a hospital where I regained

consciousness after hours. The police were

there questioning my parents and after I

told them that it was my fault they left. I

came clean to my parents and as mortified

as they were, they decided to have a

daughter who is alive, happy and gay.

“I joined therapy with my parents and

learnt that being gay was not my fault or

wasn’t some disease. In time they’ve

started to accept me and I’m learning to

like and hopefully love myself for what I

am. I still have so much to go and I haven’t

come out publicly either. But I’m optimistic

that I’ll find that special someone to love,

cherish and share my life with – guilt and

damage free!â€￾

 

The names and places in this story may

have been changed for privacy reasons.

This article first appeared in Kenya’s Love

Matters. It has been republished here with

their permission.