a funny article*
It’s all the rage now; every Tom, Dick and Harry is becoming a pastor,
setting up their own churches and making lots of money, so why not you?
The late L. Ron Hubbard, founder of the controversial church of
Scientology, famously once said that ‘ if you want to get rich, start a
You don’t need any formal education even though a grasp of the English
language and the ability to read the Bible will be an advantage. You don’t
need a ‘calling’ from God or have to endure years of studying in a seminary
or university. You can pick up a certificate online that will enable you to
call yourself a ‘pastor’, ‘bishop’ or ‘prophet’ for next to nothing from
the very many fake Bible colleges or universities.
You don’t even need to prepare your own sermons – there are online
Christian organisations that will send you a ready-made sermon, every day
for free, if you register your email address with them.
But the one thing you will need is to be a powerful orator – you must be
able to talk in a commanding and hypnotizing voice that will make people
believe anything you tell them.
Next you need premises. Most pastors start off in their living rooms, boys
quarters or room & parlour and move to bigger premises later on.
For a congregation start off with friends and family and get them to spread
the word. If you can afford it you can ‘rent’ parishioners to give the
impression a lot of people are attending your church.
Now most people who attend ‘end-time’ churches are not there to listen to
sermons they want to see miracle healings, listen to prophecies and be
cured of all their worldy problems.
To do this most pastors employ simple tricks of deception, like magicians
and illusionists on TV – hiring people to pretend they are lame, blind or
ill so they can ‘miraculously heal’ them.( – be careful here – a ‘bishop’
recently got a man to lie in a coffin and pretend to be dead so he could
bring him back to life. Unfortunately the man actually died and the
‘bishop’ was unable to resurrect him!). You can get an electrical engineer
to build a device that will project holographic images of angels onto a
wall giving the impression ‘angels’ are in your church just like ‘Prophet’
Shepherd Bushiri does. Or alternatively you can obtain ‘power’ from
questionable sources such as witches, witch-doctors and other agents of
Darkness to enable you to perform ‘miracles’. People are gullible and once
they see or hear about the ‘miracles’ performed in your church they will
flock in and then will be the time to start charging them. Start with the
mandatory 10% tithe as your primary income earner. To make sure nobody
skips their tithe because of recession or other mitigating factors get them
to pay with debit card or bank payment app. This way the bank will take out
the money automatically every month and pay it to you – and saving you a
lot of hassle!
For your secondary income, which can also be multi-streams, you start by
charging for counselling, ‘special’ prayers , anointing oil and water and
whatever else you can think of!(Recently a Zimbabwean pastor has been
selling ‘anointed’ cucumbers to his congregation and apparently the ladies
were very excited – excuse the pun!).
But there’s more money to be made from a YouTube channel and publishing
To set-up a YouTube channel is easy, you don’t need to be a rocket
scientist or a graduate. Just get somebody ( preferably a teenager with at
least a working knowledge of iPhone 7) to video your services, upload it,
get everybody to subscribe to your channel and watch your videos and Google
will pay you, in dollars, at the end of every month.
The next best money-spinner is book publishing. Don’t worry if you can’t
write a book because there are lots of unemployed English and media studies
graduates out there who’ll ghost write for you for a fee. Just be sure to
put a fancy title on it like ‘How to Pray for Money’ or ‘Make Angels Obey
You’ and YOUR name as the author and get your congregation to buy it!
When the money starts pouring in from all your ventures the time will be
ripe to start diversifying into schools, real-estate and other businesses.
If you keep it up you might be able to afford a Bentley and a private jet
in a couple of years – and a First Class ticket to Hell!